Trajectory: Tragedy

From the journal of Secret Agent "Thomas" Manpower. 9/7/09

Damn this cheap scooter. I managed the last ten miles on bare rims after my tires got shot out by that trucker. I shouldn't have tested to see how many times I could get him to pull his horn. I even managed another few bends in the road without, battery, seat, or handles. I shouldn't have tested my handgun, gernade launcher, and kung-fu on my mode of transportation. All this being said, I simple cannot travel on a vehicle I have driven into a chasm so deep I can't see, hear, or fathom the bottom of. I shouldn't of thought about that video I saw of a kitten on Youtube... Oh man that's.... Oh geez that's funny.... Give me a second. Whoo. Damn cheap scooter. I'm actually not entirely sure how I didn't fall into that gigantic gorge with my scooter. I mean I was riding it, and I was definitely wearing a seatbelt, because that's about all there was left of that two bit scooter... I don't know I was drunk. But not now. Now I'm just lying on the rumble strip of I-89 wondering how I'm going to get my revenge at that bastard who killed my wife and kids, and how I'm going to learn to stand on my own two legs for once with both of my thighs fractured in several places. I'll sleep on it.
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An email recovered from Secret Agent Manpower's email (because he never logs off)

From: firestarter118@excite.com {Inspector Jumpjet}
9/8/09

Heyyyy, so I crashed my "8000 cubic ton displacement" zeppelin into a telephone tower so I can't fly my zeppelin and I can't use my phone. Luckily this very nice timber farmer/cabinet maker is letting me use his dialup internet. We've been playing checkers waiting for it to load. He's also expecting a new grinding stone to be quarried from Barre. We're seeing what arrives first: his hunk of stone, my email. Anyhow, if you could wire me some money that'd be pretty nifty of you, because I don't know how to play checkers and I've been playing checkers now for a few days; so you know, when you get around to it, that'd be really cool; the sooner the better. And I've got this skywriting gig coming up so I'm good for the money. Cool. Well bye.

-Inspector Jumpjet
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Five Ol' Nugget Alley Wing Review by Secret Agent Mister E.

Having spent the past few days locked in my room waiting for the phone to rind, lost in a dream of what the future might bring, I thought it best to get out of my dark den and stroll down the street on my wooden legs, which support my wooden body. How do I power these legs? Wooden you like to know? Ha ha ha. Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaa. So how've you been? Great. Wow! Another wingnight again huh? Well here we go.
On my way over to Five Ol' Nugget Alley I was surprised to see my colleague Secret Agent Man-Power who I hadn't seen since we were reviewing ants on a log back at the Petty Bar Foods Testing and Refinement Academy when we were just cadets. He seemed in a bad way holding himself up on crutches and all. The real sad part was he was supporting himself despite the fact that he was sitting in a wheel chair. The real sad part though was that the wheelchair didn't have wheels. So it was more of just a chair. The really sad part though, to tell you the truth, was that he didn't even have crutches, he was just pantomiming having them. He tried to tell me something, but his face was so battered and swollen that words couldn't escape from it's crevices. I could see into his eyes however and they pleaded for wings. I got him inside the local dive and had my good friend and server "Man Backgam Man" to cook us up a "Noah's Arch" each. He soon returned with ten wings for both of us. The wings came in pairs of two for you see there are five flavors of wings at Five Old Nugget Alley: Buffalo, BBQ, Honey BBQ, teriyaki, and maple chipotle. You see our planet is lush in resources unlike the harsh barren desert world of Boston, so we can afford such luxuries.
The atmosphere was cool, calm, and pleasant per usual. I learned of the shipping news from Man Backgam Man and played a round of darts. Well actually, I just imagined a game of darts. I won. Man-Power phased in and out of consciousness. In due time he was in much better health. "These wings are great, service is top notch, atmosphere is the best I could ask for, the wings are a little overpriced, and the soda is a bit lacking in flavor, now where can I get enough weapons to take down the devil?" He said. Now mind you I thought the soda was quite good and it's no fault of mine he left the ice to melt in it so long....

-Excerpt from Secret Agent Mister E's wing review 9/9/09 -
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Audio tape delivered in an anonymous package to The Holiday Ranch postmarked 9/10/09

Dark Shadowy Figure #1: So as you see gentlemen we've got Secret Agent Man Power in quite a bind.

Dark Shadowy Figure #2: And what of the one they call "Razzle Dazzle"

Dark Shadowy Figure #1: He's been about his duty just as he was trained reviewing the Boston wing night and just to keep his hands tied even longer we've given him a task of writing down a list of his 10,000 favorite things.

Dark Shadowy Figure #3: How about his "Destrocto Bag"? A device like that could kill GOD, or well God, or a god, or gods, or whatever, I don't want to offend anyone of varying faiths.

Dark Shadowy Figure #1: It's no longer on his person due to our ploy with Inspector Jumpjet and all. Yes it seems that.... (several minutes of intangible audio) This coffee sucks! Anyhow Clawsaw will take care of the problem, should there be one. Boy I'm starving

Dark Shadowy Figure #3: Burgers?

Everyone: Burgers! (shuffling, silence)

-The rest of the tape contained an eclectic mix of dance songs including a rare track of Prince performing the original version of "Nothing Compares to You" with The Family.

-End Tape-
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Page 34 from the journal of Secret Agent Razzle Dazzle:

567: seaweed
566: the feeling of gravel under my bare feet
565: foamcore
564: frankenthumb
563: oxyacetalyne
562: the word "twiddly"
561: "the granstream saga"
560: trackball mice
559: Gauguin
558: hats, all kinds
557: micah
556: scotch
555: popsicles
554: papaya
553: raisins
552: rain
551: the color "aquamarine"
550: djembe
549: wax paper
548: carnations
547: almonds
546: spatulas
545: blueberries
544: lockers
543: lumber
542: nostrils
541: bombs
540: elbows
539: Parcheesi
538: gophers
537: nesquick banana syrup
536: mountains
535: mezzo piano
534: cactus
533: the "#" sign
532: "goobers"
531: vaulted arches
530: elmo
529: toothpaste
528: leaves
527: plato
526: body armor
525: nails
524: hunger
523: wallets
522: radeberger
521: devil's food cake
520: arby's
519: blowpops
518: gumballs
517: high heel shoes
516: clorophyll
515: stop lights
514: wigs
513: jam
512: elephants
511: sega genesis
510: incandescent lightbulbs
509: russia
508: pomegranate
507: aliens
506: orange
505: nerf
504: gumby
503: "mad about you"
502: blueberries
501: pork
500: rhythm gymnastics
499: silk
498: turkey basters
497: goats
496: tiaras
495: glass
494: picking stuff up
493: microwaveable chicken pot pie
492: ghosts
491: bricks
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-Tune in next time to find out if Secret Agent Manpower will survive! What are the secret dealings of Inspector Jumpjet? Read the actual review for this week's wingnight, will Secret Agent Razzle Dazzle find true love, so what's the deal with payphones, and who on Earth is Clawsaw? Find out next time on: Wing Night Reviews with Man Power and Razzle Dazzle!

man power, MIA

in the absence of secret agent man power, i will be reporting alone, although i can barely contain my sorrow.

secret agent man power was last seen exiting the boston metropolitan area by scooter with a bag so dangerously volatile in its contents it was described poetically by intel as a "basket woven in pure dynamite". reportedly his last words described a plan to take down the man who destroyed his life once and for all, "even if it kills me", he allegedly proclaimed.

man power went off our radars shortly after he left the desert wasteland that lies north of boston; key informants have stated that his destination is the mountains of vermont-country.

dead dead dead. man power is dead and there is no hope for any of us to survive alone.

wings this week were delicious! i took it upon myself to eat both buffalo and regular so as to consume the full experience of wing night. along with me was secret agent bandolero comanchero, a wing night newcomer, despite being a long time agent. we both agreed that the wings were far too spicy, and unfortunately the dining hall was busy, and not an adequate environment for the (also MIA) RAY. regardless of all obstacles the wings were perfect, and frighteningly large. the chickens this week must have been the size of turkeys, and twice as clever.

the beer this week was the sinebrychoff porter, from finland. i'm delighted to report that this was my first finnish beer, though regrettably, it was a little tricky to finish. it was a barley-strong flavor, and it was flattish, maybe i had a cursed bottle. the result was a heavy, syrupy, almostbarleywine. i wasn't too much of a fan.

the help was very pleasant and was smiling the entire time, it was nice.

hunger: enough
wings: too spicy, for the 3rd consecutive time
beer: probably fine, but just not my thing
atmosphere: 2 stars
service: 30+ percent tip.

as promised, here is footage of a ninja warrior battling a rival ninja on mission hill.